I am a romantic at heart.
I only ever have feelings for one person at a time.
I only ever long to be with one single person.
My heart can only belong to one person.
It is my nature.
I am a hopeless romantic.
Despite the direst of circumstances, despite the strangest of environs, despite my lack of patience or emotional capabilities...
....I am nothing short of romantic.
A very dirty, dirty romantic individual.
It is who I am.
It will always be who I am.
And it really fucking sucks.
Because it leads me into the deepest of pits time and time again.
And every time I get into one, that pit is forever deeper.
And every time I get into one, I am not sure that I will EVER find my way out.
And what is indeed, YES, pathetic....is that I'm not really sure that I ever WILL find my way out.
Unless, I become a lesbian. (Not that I have any lesbian prospects; but, trust me, in this city, it won't be difficult.)
What's even more pathetic, is that it doesn't really matter to anyone but me.
Well, me and my Lumpkin.
She doesn't like it when I am deep in a hole of heartbreak.
Not that she's even experienced that with me.
Cos despite the strange circumstances of this instance, I think it is my deepest heartbreak of all.
No one should have to get to know me.
I ACTUALLY had people telling me this time, 'Chandra, you seem happy. What's up?'
What's sadder, is that I couldn't even tell them. Even though I only ever wanted to scream it to the entire fucking universe and beyond.
And then some.