Writers

There’s a chair on his roof now

I see it when I’m on the El

I picture him sitting there

Writing

In his notebook

That was left open

When I was there once

He had written about me.

He missed the space I took up

Not me.

The space on his couch

Not being empty.

55

Human Kind Lacks Balls or A Crying Strumpet is not a Pretty Sight

I think that humanity lacks balls. It's just too stupid to realize it. I, myself, being a part of humanity. I am no better, nor worse, than anyone else.

Most days I am okay in this realization. In the realization that overall, humanity sucks ass. I live most days knowing what the general public is like and accepting it and trying to be complacent with it. When I am having difficulties with this knowledge, I tend to come here, to my wee little blog of no import, ramble away for awhile, and feel a little bit better having discussed my thoughts upon the interwebs. For whatever reason.

So, overall, I am mostly okay with the fact that I have no faith in humanity.

However....that is MOST days.

Because on SOME days....God--or, whatever powers that be--throws something in my path to make me say, 'Whoah, wait a minute, maybe, just MAYBE, I'm wrong here.'

He, or she, or it, will place something in my way that makes me begin to question. That makes me begin to think well....okay....so everything sucks ass, pretty much, but here's this one thing that seems like it'll make all the other crap not seem so bad. That this one thing could possibly make it all worthwhile because it's not like the rest of existence.

ONE of those things has been my kitty cat. When she is next to me and we are curled-up together and holding hands and she is purring and that is all her little world knows....it is love. It is beauty. It is the sort of thing that this world should be built upon. It is happiness.

Unfortunately, my kitty cat does not speak English. If she did, I could probably be completely at ease in this world of ours. But, alas, she does not, and I am human--unfortunately--and I NEED to feel a connection with someone or something that can understand the things that I say, whether or not they even agree with them isn't really of major importance. But, a respect for them, would be nice.

Anyhow, another one of these types of things that The Gods throw in my path is usually a human being. Someone who seems 'different.' But, of course. Someone who seems like they want to get to know you. Someone who makes you say 'wow.' And when I say 'get to know you,' I mean, like they really want to know you. As a person, as an individual, beyond sex, beyond trivial societal rules and regulations, beyond what they have known before. And those feelings would be mutual. And when God does something like this for my path....I feel hope.

Hope is an emotion I have more fear of than any other emotion. I am more scared of Hope than I am of Death. Death isn't an emotion, I know that, I am just comparing fears hear.

Because with Hope.....there is always a let-down. Always. I have never known Hope to work any other way. Ever. Not once in my entire life. Even the things I thought were solid in hoping for, were not. Blood is not solid. Family is not solid. I don't care what anyone says, or has experienced. It is not that way for everyone here on this Earth. Even when we want it to be. Even when we ache for it to be. We are all here alone. Every one of us.

So, when God puts someone in my path that makes me think, 'Wait a minute, maybe I'm WRONG.' I get excited. Hope creeps in, even though I know I will experience a day like today, where I am crying all day because I HOPED.

Hope happens because I am stupid.

I am not wrong about humanity.

We are a lost cause.

We all crave to be with someone who can understand us and see us for who and what we are and be with someone who will make us happy and who in return we can make happy too. That would be the greatest joy on Earth.

But, sometimes, it does not matter how hard we try. It does not matter how much of our soul we invest in something. It does not matter how much we trust something.

That something is only what it is and what it can be. It can be nothing more than that.

Nor can I be anything more than what I am.

Or anything less, for that matter.

Sometimes I think I am a weak person.

Other times I think I am a strong person.

I think we all have those moments of seeing our strengths over our weaknesses and those moments of the reverse.

Today I think I am a strong person.

I am not scared of my emotions. Or my thoughts. I am not scared to express them. The things that MAKE US HUMAN do not scare me.

I think they scare most of humanity.

What scares me is hope.

Because I HATE days like today.

I HATE THEM.

I don't ever want another day like today ever again.

So, maybe I will stop believing in the things that God puts in my path.

And be smart enough next time to know that my path is my own.

No matter what God puts in front of it, to fill me up with anything as silly as HOPE.


Which is why I'm becoming a lesbian.

Strumpet's Lesbian Personal Ad:

Newborn Lesbian seeks other Newborn Lesbian
For Hopeless Nights of Time-passing upon Earth.
Nothing mushy. Just watching lots of porn and drinking wine.
Must rock.


That sounds like something some nice hot rock 'n' roll lesbian might be interested in, right?

I was recently told that I do not want to become a lesbian because us women are more drama than men.

True.

I'll give you that, I am a woman. My emotions have more drama than a Shakespearean theatre piece.

However the point of me BECOMING a lesbian is BECAUSE I will not be emotionally involved with a woman.

It is impossible for me. My heart will not be in it.

I will never get hurt, if I am in a relationship with a woman.

It goes with my whole giving up on Hope thing.

Don't get me wrong, I do not care to hurt some hot, lesbian. I will find one who is in it for the same reasons as I am. That should work, yes?


Bottoms up!

My Heart

This beat goes on...

....and I'm switchin' to glide....

...I'm switchin' to glide.



Bottoms up!

Cliffhangin' Strumpet

Warning: I will be talking about Season One of True Blood. I have not seen any of Season Two. If you plan on watching/or are currently watching Season One, this post may have spoilers in it for you. So, read at your own risk. In fact, it WILL have spoilers. Cos I can't shut-up about this show.




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally finished watching the last episode of Season One of True Blood.

And....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lafayette CANNOT be dead. He CANNOT be!!!!!! NoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!

He is my absolute favourite character, despite my total heart-on for Sam Merlotte. Bill is sort of a wimpy vampire. I just can't get into Bill too much. I have so tried. I just like when he says 'Sookie is MINE!' Then I see his fierceness and I get vampified turned-on. I want to see that more in him. But, Sam....oh, Sam....Sam has me all about the swoon action. I guess, I like that he's not afraid to get mad, or let his emotions show too much. I also like that he likes to smell things. Somehow that turns me on about him. Cos I'm into smells too. I should SO be a shape-shifter. I would make a fantastic one.

But, I digress...back to Lafayette. His acting is the best on the show. Beyond a doubt. And his character is the most outrageous and he actually pulls it off. He's a drug-dealer, short-order cook, online porn producer and star, male escort to the elite, and all-around fabulous gay man--who drives a Mercedes. Seriously. I want Lafayette to be my best friend. I could totally masturbate with a mask on, on camera, for him in exchange for a regular supply of kind bud. I'd make one fantastic masturbating masked porn star, (and don't forget shape-shifter...) I've had a lot of practice.

Now, for those of you watching Season Two already....I don't have cable. I'm not sure when I will see it, so you already know the fate of Lafayette, most assuredly. Don't tell me!!! I don't want to know. I will see Season Two eventually. I don't mind being kept waiting.

Lafayette would make a great vampire on-top of all that. Maybe Bill was nice when he fed and turned Lafayette into a vamp. Doubtful, but it's a remote possibility.

Maybe Lafayette--being the fantastic actor that he is--found a better gig and is leaving the show. That would be WAY too sad. They should have upped his pay, if this is the case. The only other acting that comes close to his level on this show is Jason Stackhouse. That man is brilliant. These two men have been given characters that are just as unbelievable as vampires and shape-shifters and mind-readers, only they're not, and they pull it off. Jason makes you actually believe somebody could be that stupid. And I so hope he does not get involved in this stupid church shit. Ugh. That's just retarded. (Not as retarded as my own life currently--that I can't seem to get a grasp on what is happening in it and what is not happening in it and trying to find peace in not knowing and it's so hard--but retarded, nonetheless. But, at least, I don't have dead people piling up around me. So, I'll find solace in that.)

I'm going to watch the extras on the disc before work today probably, or maybe when I get home. There were no extras on the other discs save for commentaries, that I never watch anyway.

But, after that I'ma be needin' a V fix in a major way. I feel like I am the only one not knowing what is going on in real time with the Stackhouse clan and the Bon Temps locals.

All I really want to do is go have a drink at Merlotte's and let Sam see me salivate.

He's low-key. I love his hair. I love his eyes. And he's an animal.

Until I see you next season, Sam Merlotte..... *rawr* ...I bet you smell soooo gooooood.

Bill probably wears freaking cologne. Screw Bill. Sam is MINE.


Bottoms up!


Save Lafayette!

Windy and Wild

I have brunch plans today. A 'nooner,' if you will. ^_~

...At one of my favourite brunch places. They have Pancake Flights, and Frushi, and fresh juices that they make for you fresh after you check-off from a list what you would like in your juice, and they have coffee infused with orange.

I will probably have one of their omelets, though. Either the Popeye, or the Green Eggs and Ham. And that yummilicious coffee. AND they put cucumber slices in their water.

They also have one of the best johns in the whole fucking city.

They have it decked out so that it feels like you are in someone's backyard.

So, you feel like you are off being sneaky doing something you are not supposed to be doing, like pee-ing in someone's backyard.

So, you get to have breakfast AND feel naughty.



Dirty sweet.... a meal done right.

Bottoms up!

Oh, Strumpet

Strumpet's head does very strange things when she allows it to get the best of her.

I am no longer feeling like I did last night. I am not heartbroken because my very strange romantic situation remains as is....which is something I am not ready to talk about....er, write about, I guess, as it pertains to here.

I have the mind of a two-year-old. As in all it does sometimes is go, 'Why?' 'Why?' 'But, why?' 'So, why?' 'How come?' 'Because why?'

And so on, and so on, and so on, and so on.

This is why I cannot sleep most nights. What my mind does in that process is come up with answers. Because instead of actually asking these questions that wrestle with my mind and finding out the actual answers--or maybe whatever is closest to satiating that curiosity that may resemble and answer--I make-up answers. I jump to conclusions. And I always think the worst. But, this is only something that happens over time. In the beginning of most situations, I am a pretty positive person, but as time goes on, and things become questionable and therefore more difficult to deal with I get scared and I get hurt and I am a complete baby and it's just retarded.

Anyhow, I have to stop writing about my feelings on this matter because it is a matter in which I have to get much better at taking things one day at a time. And I am not very good with that.

So.

Last night was last night.

Today is today.

And I have actually had a VERY good morning and my thoughts have been SO MUCH BETTER when I have allowed them to have their way with me this morning. So, I am going to keep these new and improved thoughts in my head all night at work. And smile.

And I am going to forget about the way I was feeling last night. Because it was stupid.

As for keeping a hot lesbian chick on the sidelines just in case....

....does anyone know anyone who may know someone who knows someone who happens to be acquainted with Joan Jett?

Have you SEEN the July issue of Elle? Man, that broad has got it goin' on. And I want her boots.

Bottoms up!

Strumpet Becomes a Lesbian For Real This Time

I am a romantic at heart.

I only ever have feelings for one person at a time.

I only ever long to be with one single person.

My heart can only belong to one person.

It is my nature.

I am a hopeless romantic.

Despite the direst of circumstances, despite the strangest of environs, despite my lack of patience or emotional capabilities...

....I am nothing short of romantic.

A very dirty, dirty romantic individual.

It is who I am.

It will always be who I am.

And it really fucking sucks.

Because it leads me into the deepest of pits time and time again.

And every time I get into one, that pit is forever deeper.

And every time I get into one, I am not sure that I will EVER find my way out.

And what is indeed, YES, pathetic....is that I'm not really sure that I ever WILL find my way out.

Unless, I become a lesbian. (Not that I have any lesbian prospects; but, trust me, in this city, it won't be difficult.)

What's even more pathetic, is that it doesn't really matter to anyone but me.

Well, me and my Lumpkin.

She doesn't like it when I am deep in a hole of heartbreak.

Not that she's even experienced that with me.

Cos despite the strange circumstances of this instance, I think it is my deepest heartbreak of all.

No one should have to get to know me.

I ACTUALLY had people telling me this time, 'Chandra, you seem happy. What's up?'

What's sadder, is that I couldn't even tell them. Even though I only ever wanted to scream it to the entire fucking universe and beyond.

And then some.

Jesus Christ, I wanna lick your mind.

Bottoms up!

Well, Lumpkin is Here. She likes me drunkie.

I was invited to do four different things today.

Instead I am here at my apartment drinking with my friends Bacardi Coco and Orange Juice.

I could have FINALLY joined a gym, my brother was going to take me to his.

I could have went to Pride.

I could have went to check-out a band at Navy Pier, as one of the few cool chicks at work has a friend that is playing there tonight.

I could have went to drink at a cute neighbourhood bar with a cute boy I know, but told him another time.

Because he is not the cute boy I would rather be drinking with.

So, instead I stay home with my feelings that do not matter at all and get drunkie with my kitty cat, who actually appreciates my drunkie state, as a good friend should.

My Boopy is my good, good friend.

She is curled up next to me and I love her so very, very much.

She matters. She matters more than most things in this sucky world. My little Lumpkin really matters. I'm not sure why, or how, but she does. She is pure love. And pure love just matters.

She is a bundle of pure love that looks like a little ho-ho. She has a chocolate black outer coating and has her goofy filling all under her belly and her silly frosting on her paw-paws and on her neck and a touch of it on her upper lip like a milk mustache.

She is beautiful.

She is beauty.

I am so lucky to have her.

I am a lucky girl.


Anyhow, this video is another in the series of 'Jackets I Would Do Just About Anything to Have.'



Bottoms up!