Friday, February 08, 2013

I'm not doin' so good.  I don't know why.  I never know why.

I should be doing great.  I've started a new semester at school.  I'm still tutoring.  I was even supposed to go out on a second date tonight with a guy I really like.  Then I cancelled.  I'm feeling nauseous.  I'm feeling nauseous because I like him.  And I'm feeling like if he keeps getting to know me, he won't like me very much.  And that makes me nauseous to the point where I can't see him.  So, I guess if I'm going to feel nauseous from nerves having to muster up the courage to see him again, I'm not sure how it's going to work.  That is if he even still wants to talk to me because I sent him a bunch of texts and haven't heard back.  I'm sure he hates me.  You'd think I'd stop feeling nauseous thinking that I probably won't have to see him again.  But, now I just hate myself, too, and that makes me even more nauseous to know that I made this super nice guy hate me.

I'm not even sure he liked me very much anyway.  I'm the one who kept asking him questions about himself and I'd ask him if he had questions for me and he never did.  And if I didn't ask him questions there would be lots of awkward silences.  And when I asked him if he considered himself to be dirty he said that sexuality wasn't dirty.  He is from Utah.  But, I liked that.  I thought that maybe I could make him see that the two go hand in hand.  He's not religious or anything.  He's an atheist.  I am too these days.  It's been awhile since I've spoken of my religious viewpoints here.  It's been awhile since I've spoken of anything on here.

He's from the online dating site.  He was bachelor number 9.

He posted a video on Facebook the other day of The Zombies singing "She's Not There" and it was right after our first phone conversation.  So, since then I've been feeling like he doesn't really care.  So, since then I've been feeling like I can't put a lot into this because he's not caring about it anyway.  And when I get involved in something I put way too much into it and it sort of eats away at me.

Hence, the not doin' so good part.

But, I guess I do know why.


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