Thursday, March 13, 2014

There are some things he is very good at. 

The handle on the hot water in the kitchen has been loose.  I told him today that I was having trouble getting the hot water to come on and turn off.  It was fixed in about five minutes.  No fuss. 

I made barbecued pork belly over spinach mac 'n' cheese with Parmesan served with a pea shoot salad in an apple cider vinaigrette.  It was very good.  He had seconds.  

Tomorrow we have to take our other cat, Greta, to the vet.  Again.  Her previous blood test was inconclusive.  Because of that, she cannot eat for twelve hours before this one.  That should be fun, because Greta likes to eat.  As do we all.  Oh, here she comes to say hello.  She must sense that I am writing about her.  Hi, Greta!

She is all, "Agains!?? I haves to go to the doctors agains?  Are you seriously?" 

She has some grammar issues.  But, that's okay.

She is soooo gooood in the car.  Lumpkin is a very curious and scared kitty-bitty in the car.  They are very different kitty-bitties.

The boy has off tomorrow, and he is taking a vacation day on Saturday.  This is a very rare two days off in a row.

We have no plans save for taking Greta to the veterinarian.

Last Friday when we had no plans, he wanted to sit on the couch and watch something on TV.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't.  We do that EVERY DAY because it is the only thing we have time to do before he leaves for work.  So, when he finally had a day off, and that was what he wanted to do, I went to bed.  I played with Lumpkin under the covers and listened to her purr.

I just couldn't.

I am not an old lady who wants to sit and watch her programme.  I want to go out, drink, have fun, talk to strangers about stupid shit ever so briefly and not enough to let said strangers get annoying, go do things in our great big awesome city....and then talk about these things...and have no mention of the fucking weather.  We do not have kids.  Date nights should be a fucking given.

I want to listen to good music, jam out to said music, and not have to be like, "This is Pink Floyd." or "This is Journey." or "This is Daft Punk." or "This is Blondie." and him just go "Oh, okay."  I don't know how to learn to be okay with this.  Music is so much a part of my life.

Sometimes, a lot of times, even though he is right next to me, I feel really, really alone.

I feel so alone with all that I am here.

I feel like I don't belong here.

I feel like I don't fit in here.

I feel like I have to work so hard to fit into the cracks of his life, but what I have to fill those cracks doesn't really do the job.

Again, I'm not sure how I got here.

None of this is me complaining.  Things could be so much worse.  I know that.  I appreciate all that I have around me.

It's just that the essence of who and what I am fades away more and more each day, and I'm so scared that I'm turning into this shell of a person who does the following:

1) wake up
2) (be as quiet as possible until 1:45pm when he wakes up)

quiet activities include:
3) checking email
4) finding recipes
5) Facebook
6) making sure there is enough room on the DVR by erasing things I haven't watched
7) recording new things onto the DVR that will eventually find the fate of #6
8) checking to see if anything has been deleted from my Netflix list by seeing if I still have 500 things there
9) filling my Netflix list back up to 500
10) making a cup of tea
11) making a cup of coffee
12) pee-ing
13) eating a light breakfast seeing as I now eat dinner at 3:30pm

14) he wakes up and runs his bath
15) I can now make noise.
16) I get ready in the bathroom while his bath is running.
17) I can now access my things/clothes in the bedroom without waking him up
18) I pick out my clothes for the day and get dressed.
19) I change Lumpkin's water and get her fresh food and treats.  Greta's too.
20) I change Lumpkin's litter box, if needed.
21) I begin food prep for "dinner."
22) We administer Greta's subcutaneous fluids and give her a shot while we watch an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba!
23) I make dinner.
24) We watch an episode of something.  Lately it is either Helix, Almost Human, Dexter, or Cosmos.  Sometimes, we start a movie.
25) I gather up the trash and wash the dishes.
26) I make him a cup of tea or cocoa to take with him to work.
27) I make sure that he has his phone, his wallet, his keys, and his mace (he's travelling in Chicago very late at night) because he tends to forget one of these things at least once a week, even when I double-check.
29) I give him the trash and recycling.
30) We say good-bye, etc.
31) I restock the trash bags.
32) I sit on the couch and cry for awhile.
33) I try to stop crying by watching TV.
34) I take a bath or shower, shave, wash my hair, condition my hair, scrub my face, etc.
35) If I take a bath, I cry a lot.
36) I take Lumpkin into the bedroom and curl up and watch a movie or Svengoolie.
37) I start to get tired eventually, but I can't fall asleep, so I go on my phone.
38) Maybe play some Words with Friends.
39) Still can't fall asleep.
40) I sometimes take a Valerian root.
41) I finally fall asleep about 1:30am.
42) He comes home about 4.  I wake up.  I lay there.
43) He is up eating, and walking around, and watching movies.
44) He comes to bed about six.  If I've fallen asleep, I wake up again.
45) I try to go back to sleep.  If I took a Valerian root, I am usually able to do so.  If I did not take one, I cannot do so.  He gets up a bunch between six and seven.  He is either coughing, or hitting the john.  I wake up a lot, not to get out of bed, but because I cannot sleep.
46) I get up.

If I get a job waiting tables, I will never see him.  But since the above is currently the pathetic state of my life, I'm not sure that this is a bad thing.

What is a bad thing, is that I will meet new people.  I will meet people who want to go out after work, and drink.  And, most likely, they will know who Pink Floyd is, and not because I told them who Pink Floyd is.  These people will have a schedule like my own.  These people will be able to do things when I am able to do things.  And, some of these people will be male.  

What is a bad thing, is that then he will be the one to never sleep.  I will be getting ready and in the bedroom and making noise in the bathroom when he is trying to sleep.  

What is a good thing, is that I won't be living this pathetic fucking life anymore.  

I won't wait tables forever.  I want to do it again for about a year.  I'll hate it, but I need money.  I need money for a lot of things.  Then, I'm going back to school again.  

I want to go back to school sooner.  It depends on how much money I can make and how many shifts per week I can make that money in.  So, it depends on which restaurant I land in.

Until I get a job, until I get back into classes, I have taken to joining various social groups online.  I have an exercise one that is right by my house near the lake that is all ladies.  I'm excited.  It starts in April.  I'm going to start running.

Ha!  And, the Saturday runs are at 8am.  And, I don't give a fuck if he wakes up ten times while I'm getting ready.  I'm sick of living my life to fit into his weirdass fucking schedule.  

I can't do it anymore.  And whatever becomes of that, make it so.

Bottoms up!   
    
  
    

12 Comments:

Blogger Devotee said...

I'm away from my computer, so I only have crappy mobile devices to post with, and I'm also on a hectic schedule, all of which means my ability to write epic blog comments is highly constrained. Otherwise I'd write something really long here in hopes of being helpful. But since I can't be all that helpful, I thought I'd link you to someone who has a boatload to say, some of which is exactly aimed at what you're going through. I think you'll like this chick.

http://cjoybellc.blogspot.com/2011/10/you-can-quote-me-91-120.html

3/15/2014 10:18 AM  
Blogger Devotee said...

Beyond that, the best I can do right now is send you love and assurances that you've got truth in you, and there's no way to get to true happiness without truth.

<3

3/15/2014 10:25 AM  
Blogger Devotee said...

Okay, so, I have a couple of questions. One thing I'm curious about is whether you've considered changing your sleep schedule to match his, at least while you're not working or going to school. That would hopefully get you more time together and also let you have more undisturbed (or semi-undisturbed) sleep. It can be pretty hard to alter your sleep schedule, so maybe this isn't entirely practical, but since you're getting lousy sleep anyway it might not be as hard as under normal conditions. Of course, you'd have to change back if you got a job that wouldn't fit that schedule, or classes that wouldn't, but in the meantime you might get more rest, and rest is essential for sanity and health, right?

So my other point of curiosity is what brought the two of you together in the first place? What made you feel good enough about how you were with each other that you both agreed to make a commitment and move in together? There had to have been something, and it sounds like the something isn't there anymore. Is the something recoverable?

I apologize if these are obvious questions that you've already thought through for yourself, or if they're nosy and you don't feel like answering them. But every time I come back and try to think of a perfect and uplifting and helpful piece of wisdom, I keep feeling like I don't have enough information to do so. (Which may be a convenient excuse for me simply not having a very wise brain right now.)

Another thing that just occurred to me to wonder about is whether the picture you've painted of him is really the picture of an extreme introvert who is stuck in a rut, or if it might be the picture of an introvert who is also depressed about something, or who is trying to avoid thinking about or confronting something. You wrote a while back that you have talked to him about this stuff, but I couldn't tell from your description whether he has definitely told you the whole story and this is just how he is, or if there's something he's not telling you and you don't know what. It sounds like you think it's the first one, but if you haven't ruled out the second one, then maybe there's a solution that involves getting something out in the open that's covered up right now.

I reread all your posts from this year, and they seem to be taking a pretty steep downhill turn, so I'm worried about you -- especially because of the bad sleep situation, which can really destroy somebody even under good conditions. I know you're a strong person and that you've been through a ton of stuff that would wear anybody down, so I'm pretty sure you're going to come through this all right. But I'm worried. (And just in case, let me say that you shouldn't feel bad about causing me to feel worried. I'm very glad to have a friend I care enough about to experience concern on their behalf.)

So I really, really think you need to find a way to get some sleep. Do you have a friend whose house you could crash at for a couple of days, and literally just soak up as much sleep time as possible? Or could you maybe just take a Tylenol PM as soon as he leaves the apartment for work and it's quiet? Maybe even a couple of days of 8+ hours of sleep would help you center yourself better and separate how much of the problem is you and him versus how much of the problem is you and no sleep.

(Continued in next comment because Blogger is bitching at me for being over 4,096 characters.)

3/17/2014 9:19 PM  
Blogger Devotee said...

(Continued from previous comment. When did Blogger put a stupid maximum character count in anyway? I know this can't be the longest comment I've ever written!)

So anyway, now that I've gotten all of that I-don't-know-enough-to-be-sure-of-what-I'm-saying stuff out of the way, I'm going to say that based just on the information that I do have, it sounds like you're going to have to get out of this situation. And if you're going to have to get out of the situation, sooner is probably better than later. Which means you should probably focus on making a practical plan for making a really big change. Maybe that practical plan is to get on his schedule and start getting more sleep and spending more time with him. Maybe it's getting a job and getting the money together to move out. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's spelling out exactly how you would go about setting yourself up to be able to move out, and then sitting down with him and showing him the plan and saying, "Look, I've come up with this plan that will solve this situation that is destroying me as a person. This plan is a plan I can do. But maybe there's another plan you could help me come up with that we could both do that could replace this plan. If there is, then we should sit down and make that plan and then stick to it. Because otherwise, I'm going to have to go with this plan, because I know I can do it." Somewhere in there you might need to tell him how you feel about him, or how you want to feel, or how you used to feel, or some combination. Maybe you need to ask him some hard questions to really pry out of him what your relationship means to him, and why he wants you to stay, or what's missing that's causing him to be the way he's being. Definitely you should find a way to say something about how it's not all about you, but that you need his help to understand how to make it also be about him and about both of you.

I really don't like the fact that it sounds like I'm telling you what to do, and I want to repeat that the paragraph above is just what spills out of my head based on the incomplete information that I have. You're a super-smart person, and your brain works in unusual ways, which I think makes it hard for people to get into your shoes. But it's not a bad thing that your brain is unusual; it just means you are going to find unusual solutions to the unusual problems that you have to deal with.

Well, if I keep sitting here, I think I'm going to start rambling in an unhelpful way (or maybe I already started several paragraphs back), so I think I need to wrap it up. And the way that I'm going to do that is to say that I love you and I know things are going to be okay for you. You are beautiful in your beautiful Strumpet way, and the world needs that, and your place in the scheme of things is bigger than the unhappy little spot that you're in right now.

And find a way to get some sleep!

With all possible positivity,
Devo

3/17/2014 9:31 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I enjoyed reading that post you linked to. I mean, just general overall thoughts on life, but good general overall thoughts on life. There was one part about Cinderella that I really dug on.

Truth is all I have. Even though it's subjective, it's all that I have.

I have considered the sleep change thing. It's not as easy as it sounds. I've tried it. Plus, I DO eventually have to go on interviews, and those interviews will not be held at 5am. Plus, there's just a part of me at this point, a huge part of me, that feels like I have given up so much to just try to be around and fit into the cracks of his life, and I can't give up any thing else. I can't give up one thing more. His life has not changed much since I moved in here except for that I am here and Lumpkin is here and he gets a home-cooked meal now before he goes to work. Before he went to Chipotle every day. I heart Chipotle, but every day is a little much. When I get back the things I gave up to try to fit into his schedule, I will no longer fit into the cracks. And, I have kind of stopped caring about that.

The past two nights, I have slept more than usual because I switched back to Zyrtec over Claritin. Zyrtec makes me drowsy all damned day and all damned night, so it is not conducive to anything much really. It also makes me really crabby because I'm so damned tired. But, at least I'm not sneezing, and at least I get some sleep. I also take Valerian root sometimes. I like Valerian root because it is natural. And, it has a relaxing effect that comes along with it, which is very helpful.

3/18/2014 9:31 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Before I moved in here, he was different when I stayed here. He got up when I did. He made me tea. He brought me bananas in the morning. He stayed in bed with me after we had sex--not that we've had sex any time recently. So, we'd TALK in bed and, you know, have conversations. Now that I am here, it's like he has just gone back to whatever he did when I wasn't here as far as his schedule goes. I get it. He has to work. He works a shit job. I'm not sure why he works that job, actually. He's really smart. He has a degree. Anyway, now that I'm here, why should he do all the things he used to do when I stayed here overnight? There's no reason. I'm here. Is it recoverable? I dunno. I have found in the past, before I gave up talking about this crap with him because nothing ever changes and it's not worth investing my emotions, that when I tell him how I feel about certain things or him not doing certain things or him not doing certain things that he used to do or doing things that I may need him to do...and then he tries to do those things, it comes across that he is only doing those things because I told him that he should do those things. We used to email each other every day and talk about stuff in our emails, and before I moved in I told him that I did not want them to stop. They did stop. So, when I brought it up and he started again, they were not the same. It was like he was doing it because I told him to do it. And, it's not like he's doing the things terribly, or it's not like he's doing them and doesn't want to do them, he wants to do the things that I need. But, it still just doesn't come across natural. It doesn't come across in any way that is comfortable. I don't want a boyfriend who just goes around doing things because I tell him to do things. That's ridiculous, and such a turn off. He needs to think about this stuff on his own. I'm not explaining it very well, and I sound like a bitch, but seriously, it's not easy to describe. He's not very good socially, and I get that. I'm okay with that. But, he should be okay with me. I don't get that. And, I need that. I need for him to be okay with me socially when we are together. And, he was much better at it, when I didn't live here because I think that he saw our relationship differently. He went out of his way to adjust his schedule to be with me and have fun. Now, that I am here, it does not seem reasonable to do those things.

There were a lot of things that I was attracted to, but his patience, his not being an asshole, his book collection, his chemistry degree, his ability to put a sentence together, and how he used to email me and talk to me that way are not things that work to keep a relationship together once those two people are living together. In living together, there are things that I am seeing that I have to deal with that are very difficult. He is very absent-minded. Very. He forgot to lock the door one night. This is an apartment door that does not close if you do not lock it. Luckily, I woke up a few hours later, and I don't think that Lumpkin got up at all, but I could have lost Lumpkin because of that. She could have gotten out. Because he can't remember to lock the door. And he never even apologized. Because that is not how he thinks. And, I haven't been able to sleep much since. Besides the Lumpkin thing, there was a man shot outside my bedroom window in the alley on December 30th. The door needs to be fucking locked. That shot is a whole other reason why I can't sleep. It scared the living fuck out of me. It was a horrible thing to witness.

You can ask me questions about anything. It's the only way things might actually start making any sense.

3/18/2014 9:31 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Yes, he is an extreme introvert. I liked that at first. But, I didn't realize how bad it was. We are different kinds of introverts. And, yes, I totally think he is stuck in a rut. But, he likes it there. Or something. I dunno. That doesn't make sense. He says he doesn't want to work that job forever, but he has no plans or ideas of what else he would like to do. And, yes, he has baggage. He was in a relationship for nine years with a mentally ill woman who broke up with him but they still lived together for one year. During that year she was having a "psychic relationship" with "someone else," she cut their bed in half with an exacto knife, and had a pair of salt and pepper shakers in the middle of the apartment which indicated by being together or apart whether or not he could come into the other side of the apartment. She also slept with an X-ray technician's radiation vest that she bought off of ebay on her person every night. Then she went missing. And, for one year he did not know where she was. This is when we met. Then, a couple weeks later, the police called her parents asking for her dental records. She had jumped into the river or the lake, I don't remember which, and her body had been found but very badly decomposed. She had often talked about killing herself, so it wasn't a total surprise. His sister and her never got along. I only know a couple of these things because they are things that his sister told me, but he knows that she told me. So, yeah, you have hit the nail on the head. Because I am not sure what it was about her that made such an intelligent individual give up most of his life to be with her despite knowing there was no future there. He told me that part. He followed her around to various mental institutions and halfway houses in other states. His sister told me that she was the first girl who ever expressed any interest in him, so she thinks that is why. I know he slept with two other girls, nothing major, before her. So, he really has no relationship experience except for being with a severely mentally ill woman who could not even work ever.

So, before, I used to try to help him with this when he would let me. He only opened up one time when he told me that she accused him of wanting to kill her and she called his boss at work and told his boss this. He still has the same boss. The boss knew immediately that something was wrong with her when he began talking to her. She said that because he forgot about a corningware type pot on the stove (absent-minded) and it broke and shards of the pot went everywhere that he was trying to hurt her. He was crying when he told me this because he is the most non-violent, most passive person I have ever met in my life.

Anyhow, I also liked that he was from a completely different place. But, maybe we are too different. He comes from Utah. His parents were Mormons. He was never a Mormon and they never forced it upon him. Him and his siblings are all highly intelligent and thought for themselves and never had to do any Mormon-y things, but their parents were Mormons. And, everyone around them were Mormons. This might explain why he didn't know who Pink Floyd was. He knows everything there is to know and more about classical music, though.

Anyhow, I hope that answers all of your questions, at least in a roundabout way, for now. I thank you for your concern. I'm really concerned, too. Because I don't know how I feel. I know I need to get my life back, even if it has to start somewhere that I'm not too excited about. And, I want things to be how they used to be with him. But, I have no idea how to get that back. I'm not sure that we have enough in common. He thinks we do, whenever I tell him that. He's all, "We both like cats and movies." And, he's completely serious in that those things are enough to sustain us.

3/18/2014 9:32 PM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

I like the coming up with a plan idea and asking him if he has a better plan. I just think that he is so passive that he wouldn't be able to say what he wants. The other day I lost it because we went to go see a movie and afterwards I asked him what he wanted to do. I stood there for a full two minutes or so, which seemed like a lot longer, in silence while he had no ideas. So, I said that we could go to Panera Bread since it was right by the theater and cheap because I don't have much money. He said okay. So, we get there, and everything is very separate when we go out. We were both at different cash registers. I ordered a soup. Then, I get a table. And, he hadn't gotten any food. I would not have gotten food had he told me that he didn't want to go eat at Panera Bread. But, he just says okay to everything I say, and he never has anything else to offer even if he doesn't want to do what I suggest. It's like that with EVERYTHING. It's very hard to handle. So, if I came to him with a plan, he would never, even if he wanted to counteract with a plan of his own, express such a thing. Because we never talk. Maybe he's just not comfortable talking to me. I asked him if he likes talking to me, and he said yes. So, I dunno.

I like everything that you said, Devo. I think all of it is very helpful. I have been thinking about it all quite a bit the past couple days. I like this a whole lot:

"Maybe you need to ask him some hard questions to really pry out of him what your relationship means to him, and why he wants you to stay, or what's missing that's causing him to be the way he's being."

I know that our relationship means a lot to him. He does not want to be alone, despite his introversion. He is very happy that we found each other. I know these things. I also don't think he is capable of thinking in certain ways. His mind is always inward. It takes him a very long time to respond to questions and normal conversation. There is always a very long pause that is very hard to deal with. I don't think his mind goes to places that most people's minds go. Like, he can't even remember to zip up his fly most days. He walks around with his fly open all the freaking time. Even when I tell him, you know, you need to focus on that. His head is off thinking about ideas and politics and classical music and physics and stuff. I am not sure he is capable of working me in there in a way that would help me feel better without me having to remind him all the time like I do with his fly. I don't want to be like that. But, I know that it means a lot to him that I am here. And, I know that he knows that I am not happy. If I came to him with a plan about how I should leave, he would never know how much I needed him to come up with a plan to make me stay even though I know that is what he would want and even if I said it a million times. I don't know how to teach him this stuff. I think I used to try to, but then it feels to me that he's doing it because I asked him to. And, now I'm repeating myself. So, let's see how many comments I have to break this up into. I am not proofreading. And, I don't even care what my tone sounds like anymore. If I reread it, I would think I sound like a total bitch and erase all of it and I wouldn't be answering any of your questions. Ugh. This is so hard.

3/18/2014 9:32 PM  
Blogger Devotee said...

Okay, so here's a weird idea. I think it would even be a dysfunctional idea for most people ... but you're kind of weird and it sounds like he's really weird, so maybe a weird idea will work.

Pretend he's not there for a week.

Probably you should tell him you're going to do it first, but maybe not. Maybe you should just start, and not say anything.

You can text him or email him, but not in a "we have to work something out" way ... just the same casual conversational way you did before you moved in together. If he asks you what's going on, text or email him and say, "It's an experiment." Or whatever you feel like saying, as long as it's brief. "Don't worry, I'm not going crazy or hating on you. A friend of mine just suggested this weird idea."

During the week, do all of the "you" stuff that you can. Blogging, writing stories, hanging with friends if possible, applying to Northwestern. Keep yourself as busy as you can. Email him about some of the stuff you're doing, just to share. Do your best to avoid anticipating how he might react, or even to have any expectation that he will react. Don't try to fit into his schedule or life, except where you absolutely have to.

The point of this is to get back to yourself so you don't feel like you're changing into this person you don't like, while simultaneously giving him a variety of opportunities and stimuli that could provoke him out of his passivity. I don't mean provoke to anger, I just mean rouse his curiosity or maybe his concern in a way that prompts him to do something without you providing any suggestions about what. Maybe if you act like the two of you are not sharing the same space, he might start acting more like he did when you weren't sharing the same space.

I'm currently tired and past my bedtime, so this may be a terrible idea. (I trust you to make that determination if necessary.) Feel free to tell me I am dumb.

<3

Devo

3/18/2014 10:21 PM  
Blogger David said...

Oh Strumpet, this post made me sad -- but ever so hopeful. I like this person I am reading (oh hell, I have always liked her) but I like her sadness too.

You wrote, "Again, I'm not sure how I got here." I think you (and he) are going through what every single couple goes through and it takes time to find the right avenues, the right rhythms. There will be new things to discover but you must not lose those things you enjoy. And you MUST have time to do your individual thang -- especially since you do not have children. Take a job, take classes, get out of the house, get away from being sucked in by the TV. You are an amazing woman, extremely gifted and incredibly charming. You need contact, interaction and titillation. Do not let that part of you go idle. By being you -- completely you -- that makes you healthier as a woman in a relationship, it doesn't take away from anything you have with him. That is what attracted him to you in the first place. You. All you.

You are a Strumpet, a Lush in Heat.

3/20/2014 9:10 AM  
Blogger Strumpet said...

Devo,

I so think that is a great idea. I just don't know that I can do it. But, I am definitely considering how I would be able to make such a thing feasible.

Like, his cat needs subcutaneous fluids that need to be administered about the same time every day. Because of his schedule, this time is around 2:45 pm. It takes two people to do this job.

Once in awhile, I do say that I'm going out and that we are skipping a day and that's just the way it is. But, I love his cat, and I don't know when we would do this whole fluids thing or how if I am trying to pretend like he is not there. It's a very rigorous team effort.

But, yeah, I think your idea is really great. I want to be the person who could do something like that. It's hard to pretend someone isn't here when they are here. I have tried to do it in very small spurts, like even before you suggested it, because somehow I know that I need to do that.

I dunno. I know I need to do that.

I just don't know how.


Oh, David, I have missed you. I love your comment. It makes me cry, too, because I don't feel like that person you are writing about anymore. I need to find her again so, so badly.

You are completely correct.

Thank you.

3/30/2014 4:18 PM  
Blogger Devotee said...

Poor kitty! Obviously that makes my idea a lot harder. But it sounds like it's on the right track. I'm sure you'll come up with something similar that fits in with the circumstances, eventually.

Be well!

<3
Devo

3/31/2014 9:33 PM  

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